the perfect little rainbow, with the will of a volcano

SO.

I just decided, I am not having sex again unless I am sure the person cares about me and there is a very real potential for an actual monogamous relationship.

I remember the first time I had sex.
I had been with my boyfriend at the time (my first one) for 9 months. We had met on the internet and sent countless emails to one another talking about all manner of things. I have never (even to date) talked to any other human being as much on the phone as I did that boy. I remember I was working at a coffee shop, my first coffee shop gig, about 12 years ago now, and I would pay for internet at one of our kiosk and eventually even figured out how to hack the system so I would be able to spend more time replying to him. I would pour over those emails. I reveled in our conversations, this was a time before alcohol for me, this was genuine and heart felt conversation. Really silly meaningless conversation. I would just fall asleep,or wake up to him saying "are you still there?".

Later on when we lived together the same thing used to happen when he read to me at night before bed. He used to get a kick out of starting to make things up when I would fall asleep. I used to wake up to Dumbledore anally raping Harry or to Buttercup and Inigo eloping in the Caribbean. Or maybe it was more like "la di da da ivel you are sleeping, i know you aren't listening. see...? ivel. i am going to turn off the light." "No! Read!! I am Listening!" ::snore::
Anyway.
The point is he loved me, he cared about my stupid thoughts, he shared all of his with me, and I loved it. I thought it was interesting, I thought he was smart and charming, if not a little shorter than I imagined my partner to be. Being with him was always an adventure, I felt appreciated and special. I felt valued. The look on his face when we had sex for the first time that fateful Christmas Eve.

I want that again.


And, I don't expect them to look at me as if they had deflowered a precious virgin, I do want that fucking tenderness. I want that love and caring. I want to run out to the store to buy carob chips because you are vegan and won't eat the goddamned chips with milk in them.

Well, I don't miss that. And I am not talking about regret or nostalgia, I am talking about wanting a true kind of love before I fuck someone.

I don't know what this is going to be like.
I am a little scared.


We'll see.