the perfect little rainbow, with the will of a volcano

SO.

I just decided, I am not having sex again unless I am sure the person cares about me and there is a very real potential for an actual monogamous relationship.

I remember the first time I had sex.
I had been with my boyfriend at the time (my first one) for 9 months. We had met on the internet and sent countless emails to one another talking about all manner of things. I have never (even to date) talked to any other human being as much on the phone as I did that boy. I remember I was working at a coffee shop, my first coffee shop gig, about 12 years ago now, and I would pay for internet at one of our kiosk and eventually even figured out how to hack the system so I would be able to spend more time replying to him. I would pour over those emails. I reveled in our conversations, this was a time before alcohol for me, this was genuine and heart felt conversation. Really silly meaningless conversation. I would just fall asleep,or wake up to him saying "are you still there?".

Later on when we lived together the same thing used to happen when he read to me at night before bed. He used to get a kick out of starting to make things up when I would fall asleep. I used to wake up to Dumbledore anally raping Harry or to Buttercup and Inigo eloping in the Caribbean. Or maybe it was more like "la di da da ivel you are sleeping, i know you aren't listening. see...? ivel. i am going to turn off the light." "No! Read!! I am Listening!" ::snore::
Anyway.
The point is he loved me, he cared about my stupid thoughts, he shared all of his with me, and I loved it. I thought it was interesting, I thought he was smart and charming, if not a little shorter than I imagined my partner to be. Being with him was always an adventure, I felt appreciated and special. I felt valued. The look on his face when we had sex for the first time that fateful Christmas Eve.

I want that again.


And, I don't expect them to look at me as if they had deflowered a precious virgin, I do want that fucking tenderness. I want that love and caring. I want to run out to the store to buy carob chips because you are vegan and won't eat the goddamned chips with milk in them.

Well, I don't miss that. And I am not talking about regret or nostalgia, I am talking about wanting a true kind of love before I fuck someone.

I don't know what this is going to be like.
I am a little scared.


We'll see.

caesura valde gratum

And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
And I miss you when you're around


Hello kitty stuck his finger(s) in my butt, and he didn't even call me!

Cracks me up to say that. So the Oakland museum date went pretty well. We walked around the galleries, then barhopped. Ran into folks from my cohort at the first bar, that was hilarious. I was like, excuse me, I have to attend to that group of people making darn fools out of themselves... Heh. Then we went to cafe von kleef, and Baggy's after, at that point it was like midnight about and I was ready for something to happen. So we came back to my apt and something did.

Last night I met with kinkster, it was, informative and pleasurable. I had this lovely cocktail at dinner called something that included Frida Kahlo's name, and we also had tuna tartar, and duck tacos.

Then we went back to his house where he tied me up and beat me.

It was interesting. I don't know how I feel about getting sexual with someone that I am not in love with, but I do it anyway. It is hard to go without, but maybe someday my desire for love will surpass my desire to get laid.

But that is not today. Today I am going to Napa. Be well!

I got a juicer today.
The first juice I made was comprised of carrot, beets, ginger and lemon.
It was intense.

It made me pretty sleepy, so I took a nap around 4:30. A big no no generally for someone who has a nine of ten o' clock bed time.

So I am on this dating site. You'd swear I get paid for doing in considering how much time I spend on it. It is such an odd concept. I surf and surf, through hundreds of pages of people. All males between the ages of 30 and 36. Cute ones, bearded ones, bespectacled, freckles, white ones mostly (sometimes an ethnic person gets in there because they have a decieving thumbnail or are particularly alluring). I just messaged this Dominant fellow. He is married and is looking ladies to smack the shit out of.
I'm intrigued.
I have kind of changed my whole take on the business for now. Taking it much more casually. It is so odd, coming from being in a relationship (broke up with Graham in November, so now it is March, that is about 4 months ago) and just sort of expected the next person who I dated would be my boyfriend. It is totally weird when you go into it with that expectation. You can't really, because you don't know who this person is, you don't know their baggage and what they are bringing to the table. Furthermore, one of the few things that I do know is that I am in no position to start a relationship right now. I go berserk! I have to figure out "where we are" after a few days, I need constant attention, great sex off the bat, mutual respect in a few days, in other words: things that aren't possible!! And I think that the only reason why I crave these things is because that is probably the stage I expected to be in with a relationship at this point in my life.
The transition from Johnny to Graham was pretty easy, he fell for me pretty hard relatively quickly and simply adored me. It was such a wonderful high (metaphorically and literally, hardy har) and when it was gone it was a hard crash back into being just a person. By them selves, with no adoration coming from anywhere. Except mommy, who I do hit up for it much more often than I did. I miss her a lot more now that I talk to her more regularly. She will be gone some day.

The kinkster replied.. We've been having this long convo an he asked me to come over for a spanking. I told him I would consider it but I was in my PJs all ready.

I am sleepy.

I have a date tomorrow at a cemetery. My idea. :D

Then a date on Friday with the kinkster...

Oi. Busy lady. I hope I remember the fact that I am a Grad student somewhere in there.

:/
G'night interwebs.