the perfect little rainbow, with the will of a volcano

SO.

I just decided, I am not having sex again unless I am sure the person cares about me and there is a very real potential for an actual monogamous relationship.

I remember the first time I had sex.
I had been with my boyfriend at the time (my first one) for 9 months. We had met on the internet and sent countless emails to one another talking about all manner of things. I have never (even to date) talked to any other human being as much on the phone as I did that boy. I remember I was working at a coffee shop, my first coffee shop gig, about 12 years ago now, and I would pay for internet at one of our kiosk and eventually even figured out how to hack the system so I would be able to spend more time replying to him. I would pour over those emails. I reveled in our conversations, this was a time before alcohol for me, this was genuine and heart felt conversation. Really silly meaningless conversation. I would just fall asleep,or wake up to him saying "are you still there?".

Later on when we lived together the same thing used to happen when he read to me at night before bed. He used to get a kick out of starting to make things up when I would fall asleep. I used to wake up to Dumbledore anally raping Harry or to Buttercup and Inigo eloping in the Caribbean. Or maybe it was more like "la di da da ivel you are sleeping, i know you aren't listening. see...? ivel. i am going to turn off the light." "No! Read!! I am Listening!" ::snore::
Anyway.
The point is he loved me, he cared about my stupid thoughts, he shared all of his with me, and I loved it. I thought it was interesting, I thought he was smart and charming, if not a little shorter than I imagined my partner to be. Being with him was always an adventure, I felt appreciated and special. I felt valued. The look on his face when we had sex for the first time that fateful Christmas Eve.

I want that again.


And, I don't expect them to look at me as if they had deflowered a precious virgin, I do want that fucking tenderness. I want that love and caring. I want to run out to the store to buy carob chips because you are vegan and won't eat the goddamned chips with milk in them.

Well, I don't miss that. And I am not talking about regret or nostalgia, I am talking about wanting a true kind of love before I fuck someone.

I don't know what this is going to be like.
I am a little scared.


We'll see.

caesura valde gratum

And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
And I miss you when you're around


Hello kitty stuck his finger(s) in my butt, and he didn't even call me!

Cracks me up to say that. So the Oakland museum date went pretty well. We walked around the galleries, then barhopped. Ran into folks from my cohort at the first bar, that was hilarious. I was like, excuse me, I have to attend to that group of people making darn fools out of themselves... Heh. Then we went to cafe von kleef, and Baggy's after, at that point it was like midnight about and I was ready for something to happen. So we came back to my apt and something did.

Last night I met with kinkster, it was, informative and pleasurable. I had this lovely cocktail at dinner called something that included Frida Kahlo's name, and we also had tuna tartar, and duck tacos.

Then we went back to his house where he tied me up and beat me.

It was interesting. I don't know how I feel about getting sexual with someone that I am not in love with, but I do it anyway. It is hard to go without, but maybe someday my desire for love will surpass my desire to get laid.

But that is not today. Today I am going to Napa. Be well!

I got a juicer today.
The first juice I made was comprised of carrot, beets, ginger and lemon.
It was intense.

It made me pretty sleepy, so I took a nap around 4:30. A big no no generally for someone who has a nine of ten o' clock bed time.

So I am on this dating site. You'd swear I get paid for doing in considering how much time I spend on it. It is such an odd concept. I surf and surf, through hundreds of pages of people. All males between the ages of 30 and 36. Cute ones, bearded ones, bespectacled, freckles, white ones mostly (sometimes an ethnic person gets in there because they have a decieving thumbnail or are particularly alluring). I just messaged this Dominant fellow. He is married and is looking ladies to smack the shit out of.
I'm intrigued.
I have kind of changed my whole take on the business for now. Taking it much more casually. It is so odd, coming from being in a relationship (broke up with Graham in November, so now it is March, that is about 4 months ago) and just sort of expected the next person who I dated would be my boyfriend. It is totally weird when you go into it with that expectation. You can't really, because you don't know who this person is, you don't know their baggage and what they are bringing to the table. Furthermore, one of the few things that I do know is that I am in no position to start a relationship right now. I go berserk! I have to figure out "where we are" after a few days, I need constant attention, great sex off the bat, mutual respect in a few days, in other words: things that aren't possible!! And I think that the only reason why I crave these things is because that is probably the stage I expected to be in with a relationship at this point in my life.
The transition from Johnny to Graham was pretty easy, he fell for me pretty hard relatively quickly and simply adored me. It was such a wonderful high (metaphorically and literally, hardy har) and when it was gone it was a hard crash back into being just a person. By them selves, with no adoration coming from anywhere. Except mommy, who I do hit up for it much more often than I did. I miss her a lot more now that I talk to her more regularly. She will be gone some day.

The kinkster replied.. We've been having this long convo an he asked me to come over for a spanking. I told him I would consider it but I was in my PJs all ready.

I am sleepy.

I have a date tomorrow at a cemetery. My idea. :D

Then a date on Friday with the kinkster...

Oi. Busy lady. I hope I remember the fact that I am a Grad student somewhere in there.

:/
G'night interwebs.

tiny trembling heart

i can't hear you beating
your hands across the sky
like a whimpering dawn
pink and pale purple, stringing along a chain of
endless Sundays.

we march and martyr
in spite of (or perhaps because) of
an early spring
it is warm too suddenly
and my jackets are too heavy to carry

i can't give much thought to action
an arsonist with water for fire.
escape these petty instruments and protocols
enveloped in my sweet sadness
moist to the touch, damp with expectations and
dew. something new.

save my hopes in the cuff of your pants
underneath the hat i got you
in Jamaica.
if you put the horseshoe upside down,
all the luck spills out
saturates the centuries
the mystified hoards of inaction and good intent

spread across the span of the couch
with thick extremities of muscle and plaid
like honey on toast
you shan't be drenched in it
should you venture closer?

p is an upside down d

I have a bump on my head. I need to get it checked out. I called the person who will be helping me choose my primary care physician, but she didn't pick up. I am afraid of "pre-existing" conditions, and moderately concerned for my liver. I want to get blood work done because I want to find out what my blood type is. I have always thought it was O- because both my mother and father are, but I realized maybe I shouldn't go around spurting that as a fact until I get it checked out. Check for STDs, and maybe speak to a nutritionist. I have big plans for the future.

I'm a go getter.

In other news I had a phone informational interview with one of my gurus in terms of Latino Community engagement. She is so cool, I hope that I can cultivate that relationship and that it yields something productive in terms of career opportunities/ professional development.
I am so gun-ho about making a difference.

Let's see where that takes me.


And now, the reason why you are (we are) here.

I have a date tonight.

It happened kinda randomly actually, this cute, redhead, freckly, tall, beardy, man sent me a message this morning.

It said this:
ggriff: Hey there..... the robot bot thinks we might get along. I'm always hesitant to be serious about this website as it seems somewhat awkward to meet women on ' the inter webs' but you seem interesting and if the 3-D you is similar to the okCupid you I think we might get along.

If you feel the same let me know

G

So within like ten minutes I said this:
idundas: Hey "G"!

Yes. It is slightly awkward, but it's what we signed up for, right? 3D me is similar, but much cooler and softer than internet me.
I'm interested.

Let's meet.

:)

-Ivel 


Cool right? I am pretty much the best message replier ever. So later on he instant messaged me and we chatter for a while. That was like, playing it cool and also getting him to think about how soft I am.
HA.

Anyway, we are meeting at the Oakland museum tonight.

I'll tell you how it goes.

SO, I used to have a dating blog a while back...

And, I don't have the time to start a blog really.

But the last two "people I dated" have really made me reconsider keeping a blog to reccount the ridiculousness.
And it might actually prove to be a good way to document these transitions and be an ideal procrastination activity. So, I am going to start with a little cut & paste because I was thinking about changing my profile.

idundas

30 / F / Straight / Single
Oakland, California

• About
• Photos
• Questions
• Personality
• Tests

My Details

Last Online

Online now!

Ethnicity

—

Height

5′ 5″ (1.65m).

Body Type

Curvy

Diet

Mostly anything

Smokes

No

Drinks

Often

Drugs

—

Religion

—

Sign

Libra but it doesn’t matter

Education

Working on masters program

Job

—

Income

—

Offspring

Doesn’t have kids

Pets

Likes dogs and likes cats

Speaks

English (Fluently), Spanish (Fluently)

My self-summary

Greetings, fellow dating site denizen,
Let me tell you a little bit about me, so that you may then have the tools to decide whether this venture merits further investigation.
I am from the east coast, and I think I identify with whatever connotations are associated with that (more grits, less granola?). However, I have lived in the Oakland for about three years all told, and some of that has definitely rubbed off on me.
I have a bright personality and sheer joy for life that bleeds out of every pore. I am rarely cranky (except during menstruation times) and have generally contagious high spirits.
I get excited about science, informal learning, evaluation methods, philosophy, toe socks, and going to the beach. I dislike mustaches but Love beards. I like salt and pepper hair.

I lead a very busy life, but I make time for the things I want to do. I like to be active, whether it be going out on hikes, checking out new bars or restaurants, or going to museums. I love to try new things.
I am not very judgmental (except for you, because this is a dating site..) and feel like there are many ways to live life, and that there is no inherently good or bad way to live it, just a series of choices.

I have finally reached a point in my life in which I have a steadfast plan that I am really excited about, though my future is by no means mapped out.
I think I am going to really enjoy my thirties, in a different way than I enjoyed my 20s. Young enough to still engage in all the active pursuits I want, and old enough to know what it feels like to be comfortable and confident in my own skin.
I can be silly or serious, but always passionate.

I live life deliberately.

(:

Read below to find out more, Or, Click Away to discover another body!

What I’m doing with my life

Working @ a wonderful little coffee shop/ tea garden.
Writing my theses.
Hanging out with friends.

(procrastinating quite a bit)

I’m really good at

Cooking tasty food.

Parallel parking, sometimes without looking. One time I was drunk in the passenger seat and the driver didn't know how to parallel park. So I verbally walked them through a perfect park. I then fell out of the car (haha, just kidding).

Observing. I do it as part of my job, and I am just fascinated by people and their numerous interactions. All of the cues we drop and pick up on, it's amazing. I think one of the reasons people tend to really like me is because I care, and one of the reasons that I care is that what you do in your every life matters. The repercussions of even the simplest actions undulate far beyond intent, so make the first ripple a good one.

Staying calm. Getting worked up over something you can't change is a waste of energy. Getting worked up over something you can change is misdirected energy.

Being happy. Because, why not, really.

Never sitting still!

The first things people usually notice about me

My hair. My eyes. My smile. My knee high socks.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

I like science fiction, history, philosophy, non-fiction, and some humor books. The Haggis on Whey series is one of my most prized possessions .

My favorite movies are Star Wars (A New Hope), Forbidden Zone, Garden State, and Mary and Max. I love foreign films.

I don't watch many TV shows, but I really like documentaries, and that is usually what I will put on. I like all types of those and am usually in the mood for a certain kind with my top favorites being nature, historical, and biographical.
Monty Python: Flying Circus is Hilarious, I also liked Faulty Towers.

Musically I like all sorts of things but I am not super into it like some folks. Here are some artists I favor: Modest Mouse, Grouch & Eligh, Tallest Man on Earth, Man Man, Nina Simone, Chavela Vargas, Buena Vista Social Club, Edith Piaf, Etta James, Dead Kennedys. I like folky stuff, and hip hop stuff, and yer momma stuff. Who the heck reads these damn lists anyway. Spoon.

oysters, brie, rare burgers, Vitamin Water, sweet potato fries, country fried steak, cous cous, broccoli, dandelion greens, ginger, sharp cheddar, tortilla soup, ANY kind of soup, green tea mochi, pho, salmon, grits, waffles, bok choy, deep dish pizza, tofu, pork rinds, greens, pop corn, nutella, braggs, pistachios, etc...

I was vegetarian for a long time (9 years) and recently started eating meat again. I enjoy it, but flirt with the idea of being veggie again. Or at least pescatarian, I think that was my favorite.

The six things I could never do without

coffee, kisses, the ocean, a challenge, my yoda slippers, bourbon

(those all in one day, is like, a good day for me)

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Everything.

My theses.

What I will do with my life when I graduate grad school.

Sex!

On a typical Friday night I am

Clean sheets are the best.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

My screen name is a take on ad undas.

( Ad undas : An expression of Latin origin meaning to the waves, often used when you've failed and everything's going straight to hell.)

:D

I’m looking for

• Straight guys only
• Ages 30–36
• Near me
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners

You should message me if

If any of the above strikes your fancy, drop me a line. 

SO, not much ttaction after that.. lets see what comes next...